She always got it first. Oh yes! What so unusual about it? I already grew old out of it. Oh what can I actually do if fates always favor her? And she’s, always on top and me? I am always at the edge chasing the attention that others are forced to show me. Call me jealous, yeah right, why can’t I be jealous if everything’s up with her, then I got that ever stunning letter “L” in my forehead. I just get used of that every shattered hopes and wishes. I always wanted Santa to show up and tell me if I’ve gone too badly for the last 16 years of my life. Oh! I think I am not going sad, rather with all stuffs in my head I think I am getting mad! Oh I was just kidding.
Okay, what about my sister? She’s talented, very active in everything, sports? She tried it all! First badminton and after sweating a bit, then she did some basketball then recently she joined karate and won some (many) medals. How about that? Good intro? Ohhhh and not just that, she’s also well in her studies recently she got the spot in the third honor. Not just that, for the past years, years and years she’s an honor student and graduate with salutatory award. And just recently she got a notebook again firsthand even if I asked one first. And just recently she got a rabbit in a Christmas party. Friends, who favors her a lot, and parties too, None the less there is someone in her life that makes her jump every second she hear his voice singing to the tune of “everything” by a renowned singer, Michael buble. She always get stuffs first name it she has it before I could. A Cell phone? I got it years after she did clothes? I don’t know if my parents would offer her another closet for extra room for her stuffs. A pet? She has it. Maybe soon they’ll buy her a car or perhaps a house and lot. What do you think? Possible isn’t it? Of course it is just a matter of little mushy talk with my ever supportive mother, then bwalah she got it. She got both material and non material things, FIRST.
Yes I am jealous, even if I think and think that I shouldn’t be, still my inner self says I do. Sometimes if feel lucky when people show kindness, love and affection. But once it’s all up, things goes back to normal, being pulled away, shows me hell and confusion over things. You know the feeling, when all of a sudden thing turns into black and white and the stage is closed for you. My story is none the less worse, people show they do care for me and when I am already on it, they just leave. When I want something material, I still need to wait for ages and ages just to have it if not I I would still be going through a lot of challenges. And when I have those material things I wanted then if not broken or drowned, then it is being stolen. Sometimes I just thought that what if I should just let things happen, but I just hate just waiting and watching, I want to deserve those things I want, but things just don’t go my way. Have plans, then circumstances hinders, ending? Nothing has been done or if not things goes worse. What about me? Just that typical student taking up agriculture and entered in the council to prove my worth and to prove that I can do something. That even if I can’t be a dean’s lister, I could still stand up and prove them that I can be deserving of what I want and what I need. Sadly, my parent’s don’t see me fighting every challenges of my college life, for the fact that they don’t have time to guide me. Aside from having a big tuition to pay for, I am no less than a rat trying to be seen but being avoided by people, whom I think can see through me. I can attest to that, that I am not really good in the field of academe matters; I am opinionated while academic matters rely on theories and things that are proven. Academic life doesn’t work well with me, I failed a lot of times, and it really affects me a lot. That I already memorized the pattern of it all, I am so jealous that why cant I be as smart as my sister, that I can't see the point of radian in my life and how will I defy gravity if I fall? I want to feel things that are the only way I can be productive. I was jealous when once she joined “Miss intrams”, I was so shocked to notice that she was bought things from head to foot. In contrast when I joined the council, I get no response other than “stop joining the council it will just cost us a lot”. It is very disheartening when I you are trying to prove you can do something and people especially if It’s your parents discouraging you to join an organization or alike when you are really into it. I just wanted them to realize it is where I think I can excel, because honestly, I am not good in academic. That’s why I put effort in the council, just to emphasize that it is where I can do good. At least they appreciated my effort, which they did not, especially my other who never really gave me the chance to be someone I want to be. I draw, I sing, I dance, I even try to play the guitar. But even those things, I got no response other than “stop drawing, you are just wasting the ink” or “why do you draw witches and monster?” or “stop singing you’re like a broken record”. So what was that? Will I still be inspired to strive for an “A”? I can’t really manage to act smarter than my sister, because ever since she always out shine me, I never really even felt that I am the eldest aside from the fact that I have responsibility over my siblings, other than that? Nothing, I am their eldest, so what? Sometimes I feel so so so depressed and all I can do is cry, because nobody in the family ever asked me how and what I feel. I don’t have an intelligent mind; I don’t have the luck like my sis has. I remember when we are still young things are really in favour of her. Maybe they did not notice that sometimes I notice that when we are still young when we sleep, I go to bed first then my sister will go to bed thirty to an our later. When they show their affection to her, it makes me feel invisible. Every time she owns the stage, people soon forgot that I was beside her. When she has it all it is the same time I don’t have any. She’s the first In all and really, I have the last spot. It hurts to think that all I can do now is to hope that even if there is no stage, they could see the best of me, that they could see my effort, that whenever I do something, I do it because I know I can do great things out of it. On the contrary, I don’t want people to be complacent, because they know I can do things, because honestly I am the person who don’t want to spoon feed other people.
My dad told me one time, that I should strive hard and land a job so that I can have what I want. I wanted to answer him back,” if only you could see my efforts, I just gave my all” I just give it all and nothings really left in me except my pride and my stand. What now? Would I still wait ages before they see through me? Would the wheel turn in favour of me? If I land a job someday, would they realize that I am a good son too? Or do I really need to have job for them to see my worth. All they can see in me is the mistake they did when they made me, maybe, every time I see my mom’s blunt reaction whenever I talk to her. It’s what I see, regret. I hate it when they treat me like I am just some kind of an accessory. Just to show people how procreative they were. Because from my point of view, I never really felt that I have a mother. She’s there, I am here and were living in the same house and that’s given. I grew up with just myself fighting every pain, every shame, every sleepless night. I wanted to tell them my first crush, my first relationship. But I guess they will never understand because they refused to listen, they are so intelligent for me. And I am already used facing life’s challenges alone, with no one to conform to every night or every time that they could listen.i have been longing for someone who could share mt pain and thoughts, that’s why I guess there is really a need for me to have someone other than my biological family. Luckily I found one. The sad part is, it is my biological family that I see every day of my life, and they are the same person who disregards my inner needs. I am not looking for a perfect rich family, all I want is a family that can understand, will try to understand and will not give up understanding me. I need a family that could be proud that even in my imperfections would still be there to see and guide me in choosing the best option. I need a family that would understand diversity. That would understand circumstances and a family that would accept me for being myself. A family that would care and love me until it covers issue like I have with my sister “she got it all first”.
Okay, what about my sister? She’s talented, very active in everything, sports? She tried it all! First badminton and after sweating a bit, then she did some basketball then recently she joined karate and won some (many) medals. How about that? Good intro? Ohhhh and not just that, she’s also well in her studies recently she got the spot in the third honor. Not just that, for the past years, years and years she’s an honor student and graduate with salutatory award. And just recently she got a notebook again firsthand even if I asked one first. And just recently she got a rabbit in a Christmas party. Friends, who favors her a lot, and parties too, None the less there is someone in her life that makes her jump every second she hear his voice singing to the tune of “everything” by a renowned singer, Michael buble. She always get stuffs first name it she has it before I could. A Cell phone? I got it years after she did clothes? I don’t know if my parents would offer her another closet for extra room for her stuffs. A pet? She has it. Maybe soon they’ll buy her a car or perhaps a house and lot. What do you think? Possible isn’t it? Of course it is just a matter of little mushy talk with my ever supportive mother, then bwalah she got it. She got both material and non material things, FIRST.
Yes I am jealous, even if I think and think that I shouldn’t be, still my inner self says I do. Sometimes if feel lucky when people show kindness, love and affection. But once it’s all up, things goes back to normal, being pulled away, shows me hell and confusion over things. You know the feeling, when all of a sudden thing turns into black and white and the stage is closed for you. My story is none the less worse, people show they do care for me and when I am already on it, they just leave. When I want something material, I still need to wait for ages and ages just to have it if not I I would still be going through a lot of challenges. And when I have those material things I wanted then if not broken or drowned, then it is being stolen. Sometimes I just thought that what if I should just let things happen, but I just hate just waiting and watching, I want to deserve those things I want, but things just don’t go my way. Have plans, then circumstances hinders, ending? Nothing has been done or if not things goes worse. What about me? Just that typical student taking up agriculture and entered in the council to prove my worth and to prove that I can do something. That even if I can’t be a dean’s lister, I could still stand up and prove them that I can be deserving of what I want and what I need. Sadly, my parent’s don’t see me fighting every challenges of my college life, for the fact that they don’t have time to guide me. Aside from having a big tuition to pay for, I am no less than a rat trying to be seen but being avoided by people, whom I think can see through me. I can attest to that, that I am not really good in the field of academe matters; I am opinionated while academic matters rely on theories and things that are proven. Academic life doesn’t work well with me, I failed a lot of times, and it really affects me a lot. That I already memorized the pattern of it all, I am so jealous that why cant I be as smart as my sister, that I can't see the point of radian in my life and how will I defy gravity if I fall? I want to feel things that are the only way I can be productive. I was jealous when once she joined “Miss intrams”, I was so shocked to notice that she was bought things from head to foot. In contrast when I joined the council, I get no response other than “stop joining the council it will just cost us a lot”. It is very disheartening when I you are trying to prove you can do something and people especially if It’s your parents discouraging you to join an organization or alike when you are really into it. I just wanted them to realize it is where I think I can excel, because honestly, I am not good in academic. That’s why I put effort in the council, just to emphasize that it is where I can do good. At least they appreciated my effort, which they did not, especially my other who never really gave me the chance to be someone I want to be. I draw, I sing, I dance, I even try to play the guitar. But even those things, I got no response other than “stop drawing, you are just wasting the ink” or “why do you draw witches and monster?” or “stop singing you’re like a broken record”. So what was that? Will I still be inspired to strive for an “A”? I can’t really manage to act smarter than my sister, because ever since she always out shine me, I never really even felt that I am the eldest aside from the fact that I have responsibility over my siblings, other than that? Nothing, I am their eldest, so what? Sometimes I feel so so so depressed and all I can do is cry, because nobody in the family ever asked me how and what I feel. I don’t have an intelligent mind; I don’t have the luck like my sis has. I remember when we are still young things are really in favour of her. Maybe they did not notice that sometimes I notice that when we are still young when we sleep, I go to bed first then my sister will go to bed thirty to an our later. When they show their affection to her, it makes me feel invisible. Every time she owns the stage, people soon forgot that I was beside her. When she has it all it is the same time I don’t have any. She’s the first In all and really, I have the last spot. It hurts to think that all I can do now is to hope that even if there is no stage, they could see the best of me, that they could see my effort, that whenever I do something, I do it because I know I can do great things out of it. On the contrary, I don’t want people to be complacent, because they know I can do things, because honestly I am the person who don’t want to spoon feed other people.
My dad told me one time, that I should strive hard and land a job so that I can have what I want. I wanted to answer him back,” if only you could see my efforts, I just gave my all” I just give it all and nothings really left in me except my pride and my stand. What now? Would I still wait ages before they see through me? Would the wheel turn in favour of me? If I land a job someday, would they realize that I am a good son too? Or do I really need to have job for them to see my worth. All they can see in me is the mistake they did when they made me, maybe, every time I see my mom’s blunt reaction whenever I talk to her. It’s what I see, regret. I hate it when they treat me like I am just some kind of an accessory. Just to show people how procreative they were. Because from my point of view, I never really felt that I have a mother. She’s there, I am here and were living in the same house and that’s given. I grew up with just myself fighting every pain, every shame, every sleepless night. I wanted to tell them my first crush, my first relationship. But I guess they will never understand because they refused to listen, they are so intelligent for me. And I am already used facing life’s challenges alone, with no one to conform to every night or every time that they could listen.i have been longing for someone who could share mt pain and thoughts, that’s why I guess there is really a need for me to have someone other than my biological family. Luckily I found one. The sad part is, it is my biological family that I see every day of my life, and they are the same person who disregards my inner needs. I am not looking for a perfect rich family, all I want is a family that can understand, will try to understand and will not give up understanding me. I need a family that could be proud that even in my imperfections would still be there to see and guide me in choosing the best option. I need a family that would understand diversity. That would understand circumstances and a family that would accept me for being myself. A family that would care and love me until it covers issue like I have with my sister “she got it all first”.
