she got it all first

She always got it first. Oh yes! What so unusual about it? I already grew old out of it. Oh what can I actually do if fates always favor her? And she’s, always on top and me? I am always at the edge chasing the attention that others are forced to show me. Call me jealous, yeah right, why can’t I be jealous if everything’s up with her, then I got that ever stunning letter “L” in my forehead. I just get used of that every shattered hopes and wishes. I always wanted Santa to show up and tell me if I’ve gone too badly for the last 16 years of my life. Oh! I think I am not going sad, rather with all stuffs in my head I think I am getting mad! Oh I was just kidding.

Okay, what about my sister? She’s talented, very active in everything, sports? She tried it all! First badminton and after sweating a bit, then she did some basketball then recently she joined karate and won some (many) medals. How about that? Good intro? Ohhhh and not just that, she’s also well in her studies recently she got the spot in the third honor. Not just that, for the past years, years and years she’s an honor student and graduate with salutatory award. And just recently she got a notebook again firsthand even if I asked one first. And just recently she got a rabbit in a Christmas party. Friends, who favors her a lot, and parties too, None the less there is someone in her life that makes her jump every second she hear his voice singing to the tune of “everything” by a renowned singer, Michael buble. She always get stuffs first name it she has it before I could. A Cell phone? I got it years after she did clothes? I don’t know if my parents would offer her another closet for extra room for her stuffs. A pet? She has it. Maybe soon they’ll buy her a car or perhaps a house and lot. What do you think? Possible isn’t it? Of course it is just a matter of little mushy talk with my ever supportive mother, then bwalah she got it. She got both material and non material things, FIRST.

Yes I am jealous, even if I think and think that I shouldn’t be, still my inner self says I do. Sometimes if feel lucky when people show kindness, love and affection. But once it’s all up, things goes back to normal, being pulled away, shows me hell and confusion over things. You know the feeling, when all of a sudden thing turns into black and white and the stage is closed for you. My story is none the less worse, people show they do care for me and when I am already on it, they just leave. When I want something material, I still need to wait for ages and ages just to have it if not I I would still be going through a lot of challenges. And when I have those material things I wanted then if not broken or drowned, then it is being stolen. Sometimes I just thought that what if I should just let things happen, but I just hate just waiting and watching, I want to deserve those things I want, but things just don’t go my way. Have plans, then circumstances hinders, ending? Nothing has been done or if not things goes worse. What about me? Just that typical student taking up agriculture and entered in the council to prove my worth and to prove that I can do something. That even if I can’t be a dean’s lister, I could still stand up and prove them that I can be deserving of what I want and what I need. Sadly, my parent’s don’t see me fighting every challenges of my college life, for the fact that they don’t have time to guide me. Aside from having a big tuition to pay for, I am no less than a rat trying to be seen but being avoided by people, whom I think can see through me. I can attest to that, that I am not really good in the field of academe matters; I am opinionated while academic matters rely on theories and things that are proven. Academic life doesn’t work well with me, I failed a lot of times, and it really affects me a lot. That I already memorized the pattern of it all, I am so jealous that why cant I be as smart as my sister, that I can't see the point of radian in my life and how will I defy gravity if I fall? I want to feel things that are the only way I can be productive. I was jealous when once she joined “Miss intrams”, I was so shocked to notice that she was bought things from head to foot. In contrast when I joined the council, I get no response other than “stop joining the council it will just cost us a lot”. It is very disheartening when I you are trying to prove you can do something and people especially if It’s your parents discouraging you to join an organization or alike when you are really into it. I just wanted them to realize it is where I think I can excel, because honestly, I am not good in academic. That’s why I put effort in the council, just to emphasize that it is where I can do good. At least they appreciated my effort, which they did not, especially my other who never really gave me the chance to be someone I want to be. I draw, I sing, I dance, I even try to play the guitar. But even those things, I got no response other than “stop drawing, you are just wasting the ink” or “why do you draw witches and monster?” or “stop singing you’re like a broken record”. So what was that? Will I still be inspired to strive for an “A”? I can’t really manage to act smarter than my sister, because ever since she always out shine me, I never really even felt that I am the eldest aside from the fact that I have responsibility over my siblings, other than that? Nothing, I am their eldest, so what? Sometimes I feel so so so depressed and all I can do is cry, because nobody in the family ever asked me how and what I feel. I don’t have an intelligent mind; I don’t have the luck like my sis has. I remember when we are still young things are really in favour of her. Maybe they did not notice that sometimes I notice that when we are still young when we sleep, I go to bed first then my sister will go to bed thirty to an our later. When they show their affection to her, it makes me feel invisible. Every time she owns the stage, people soon forgot that I was beside her. When she has it all it is the same time I don’t have any. She’s the first In all and really, I have the last spot. It hurts to think that all I can do now is to hope that even if there is no stage, they could see the best of me, that they could see my effort, that whenever I do something, I do it because I know I can do great things out of it. On the contrary, I don’t want people to be complacent, because they know I can do things, because honestly I am the person who don’t want to spoon feed other people.

My dad told me one time, that I should strive hard and land a job so that I can have what I want. I wanted to answer him back,” if only you could see my efforts, I just gave my all” I just give it all and nothings really left in me except my pride and my stand. What now? Would I still wait ages before they see through me? Would the wheel turn in favour of me? If I land a job someday, would they realize that I am a good son too? Or do I really need to have job for them to see my worth. All they can see in me is the mistake they did when they made me, maybe, every time I see my mom’s blunt reaction whenever I talk to her. It’s what I see, regret. I hate it when they treat me like I am just some kind of an accessory. Just to show people how procreative they were. Because from my point of view, I never really felt that I have a mother. She’s there, I am here and were living in the same house and that’s given. I grew up with just myself fighting every pain, every shame, every sleepless night. I wanted to tell them my first crush, my first relationship. But I guess they will never understand because they refused to listen, they are so intelligent for me. And I am already used facing life’s challenges alone, with no one to conform to every night or every time that they could listen.i have been longing for someone who could share mt pain and thoughts, that’s why I guess there is really a need for me to have someone other than my biological family. Luckily I found one. The sad part is, it is my biological family that I see every day of my life, and they are the same person who disregards my inner needs. I am not looking for a perfect rich family, all I want is a family that can understand, will try to understand and will not give up understanding me. I need a family that could be proud that even in my imperfections would still be there to see and guide me in choosing the best option. I need a family that would understand diversity. That would understand circumstances and a family that would accept me for being myself. A family that would care and love me until it covers issue like I have with my sister “she got it all first”.

should have given me time

He was awesome, guy that you could see has a bright future, whom you can be proud of. A future nurse, but not a boyfriend material. That's the fact, i was try to befriend him but he is so persistent with his studies that he has no time for me. An hour a day or less i guess is not too much for him. commitment is not just plain committed, but i guess to be responsible of each others needs. I need him, but his studies needs him more. I understand that he want to be successful but i guess i will never be a part of his success. Well i uses moving on is the next thing to do. I never regret loving him, its just that he loves his future more than me, so ill just set i m free, free from a commitment that would not work. This is not unusual so, i think i can let go in no time. now, i just love myself so much that i realize i am worth loving, unluckily he just wasted it.He should have spare me a little of his time.

It was just there all along

I guess what everyone wants is to find a place for them, a place where they can call their own.We need to find real people, who could understand us, who could be there for us and would be there. Its just so happen that life would not give you he things you want. to be able to get what you want, sacrifices would be pretty much worth the price. Our journey to the place we want to be, is a challenging path to take. We can pace fast or we can do it slow, but one thing is for sure happiness is a just a matter of chance.


Ive been one of those helpless fools, searching the hole world for the things i know for now couldn't be mine.I was out of love, lost in space and downtrodden. i just wish and hope that i could hold on into someone. Maybe i was just so driven by hose fairytale, but fairytale are just found on books. Reality bites and would hurt.Lets just say that i have what people seems to be missing,materially yes, i can eat thrice a day full. Bu when your tummy is full you then realize that still there is something missing. Due to serious stupidity i begun to chase love, i begun to chase happiness. You know whats the ending? i was dumped? feels like i fell into the bottom pit of the earth's crust. Yes, i was helpless once, because things went upside down. then it happened for the nth and the nth and the nth time. Until i felt so damn sick about it that i forgot to think of it at all over again. I grew tired that i want to give up. But love don't go that way,it really does a lot of magic. Just a mantra that you would never understand unless you know what is it all about.

I never knew that love was there all along. Watching my step to better understanding of it. It is very true that some of things is best learned in a hard way. Life in general is like that. Most of the time i question god on a lot of things, times and circumstances that is quite unlikely. But i guess through time and fervent understanding i learned that its our human nature to question, but its also our ability to face and answer any riddles of our lives by our own ability to ask for guidance and help. I think now, i can get by. Life? love? its there, but friends?trust? opportunity? we have to earn them. And chances? we have to seize it.

birthday at the beach

it was a nice day after all. . .

I was awake early in the morning because i was asked to participate in the council meeting, the mid year evaluation. It was great knowing that we have covered much activities in the past months, or in the first semester. Then i have gone to manresa before seven o'clock in the morning since the evaluation starts at seven and so i did as told. we started very late, as i super late, we have started our meeting at nine, i wasn't surprised, of course it is not that unusual. I just thought, that if i go early i might cover a lot from the meeting. i asked to go earlier before them, because i am going to my friends birthday. I think our president was first hesitant in letting me go, but i guess my persistence worked.

So i arrived at the beach almost eleven, waiting really gets all the shit out of me. the travel was mostly of waiting,because they still get other people to sit in their jeepney. The beach as usual have been vibrant and beautiful as it always was, even if it have gone through a tragic storm last January because of the typhoon who almost drowned the city. So there as i walked through the Grey sand it have always been a pleasure for me to feel every grain of it in my feet when i am at the beach. Then i saw my friends one by one as a walk through every hut in the beach. some families were there, as well as young people getting together with friends.I guess it was a trend for young people to go to the beach and have a little get together, and we have done it a lot since we are in third year high school. Then i saw johanna, then lyza, denz, deonne then the rest of the gang.


It was cloudy though, but the sun still warmed the oceans water and felt it as we dove in the beach's water. then we decided to come out of the water and wait for the water temperature to subside but before i could return from the water some of our friends have gone home early for some important reasons. So i decided to stay at the hut to look after our things for safety reasons, because my friends saw two people eying on our things and it sprung into suspicion. So there i read the book i longed to read, because all my time was taken during classes.I enjoyed the whole time with them, I enjoyed seeing my friends play in the water , joke as if we haven't seen each other for years. of course every moment is precious so i took pictures of them in the water and its just a pleasure that nobody cant take away. the view of happiness through other peoples smiles is just priceless.

Before they got to the beach water they still played truth or dare game. I hear their laughter, screams and other emotional gestures, hahaha, kidding aside. So as they played i silently read in the other cottage together with Cheska who is sitting beside Austin , Austin who is playing the guitar, divine and Cris. while i am sitting at the right of Austin.then i after a while they decided to get in the water. what i have loved to remember was when Denz held my hand so tight. never before have someone made me feel that grip and it was just so sweet. That is why i love my friends so much, because they made me see and feel things that others just couldn't do.because usually i am the one who hold so tight, so i also held her hands in return of her kindness.

Then i left for home earlier than them, because of the time, because if left together with them i might be at home later than expected of me to be there. then they gave me their sweet goodbyes and asked me to tell them if i am home with complete body parts. That i guess was yet a good day.

Friendship is yet an ocean of possibilities. they might hate or love you, either way we are still our own selves.

A Sunday Walk

The ray of the sun is unusually sweet today, for a tropical country like Philippines, it was a scene that can rarely be seen, can rarely be felt and so i decided to go on for a walk. I stayed in the veranda for a while as i sip my milk and have bite of bread. Then as i stayed there for a while, i felt that breeze of the air touched my face then my hair, it lasted for a little while but it seems like forever. It was sweet like a mother touches her newly born baby. Then i decided to go on with my walk, because its getting hotter and so as i leave our veranda. then i strolled a bit a have gone a bit far from home, and saw what i missed. I realized i really have been busy that when i walk i realize the time goes slow and i like just the way it is. I felt life like i never felt it for decades. And yes! it was like decades, reviewing and copying notes.Trying to withstand the challenges of four moths at school that seems like just a week or two, it ran too fas too quick that i cant barely breath. Just like for the first time i have seen whats behind our block, and wonder if whats behind it, and behind it and behind it or if after those blocks i will be in manila.That first step as i go out of the veranda was a meaningful one, it made me realize how fast time was, after a block of walking i have consume only five minutes
and in that five minutes i saw different people all doing their own thing. Yes it seems like an ordinary day but for me it was a day to remember once again it reminds me of the old times when iam not running out of time, when i cna freely play with my
playmates the whole day. I once again saw those smiles, those sweat that wet their shirt, those simple people doing their daily routine. And as i walk some more i heard the symphony of the 70's to early 90's that really mended every inch of me, then i realized how i missed those songs when all i hear now-a-days on the radio are of those nonsense musics( it sometimes irritates ).Then i passed a house where a family
dines their breakfast outside their house and it touches my heart because we were once like that when we go to our aunts house in tacurong( my dad's hometown).and lastly when the sky colored blue that was so serene,so pure, so true and it reminds me of the older times.


The old days when i saw my aunt prepare my milk, wash my clothes, tell me to wake up
in the morning and prepare my meals. The old days when the consequently play the same old songs every Sunday. Thee old days when i would prefer to watch cartoons than read my books. The old times when i rebel when my aunt forbids me(us) to go to sleep early. The old days when we ran,play,watch T.V, do stupid acts, play again and live life like theres no tomorrow. I guess that life is what i missed the most.

Once i have prayed to get old as soon as possible so that i could kick the ass of those bully's. As well as prayed that i could get rid of my aunt and her style in making us a good citizen of this country. But now i got what i want, i kicked the asses of some bullshits in school and got rid of my aunt when i am 11. After that I have my freedom and for years i have been enjoying the freedom i always prayed for.
But now i realized how good it was being a child, being taken extra care when you are sick or cheer you up when you are on the stage and doing things you dont like(i.e singing in public) because i dont usually do that.If you are free, you would soon realize that selfishness is a real NO!NO! in the world of adults. And once you have your freedom you are enforced to do things even if its not right for you,but right for all.More difficult challenges, lesser support from people and more critics around you.The more powerful you are, the more responsibility is given to you.

Life is but a walk,not a race to being on top. If much is given, much is expected.

The Council

I am up to something new, that's what i thought in the first place, and there it was being laid in front of me. I was voted third for the 1st year representative. yes! i gone too fast and it also have gone too fast that i prove myself as being a crap. They treat me well, yes, actually nice. so the first project they gave me was quite challenging for a "no one/nobody/always will be nobody" like me. Being responsible was never a part of me, then it changed when i entered the council. it was good at first but after i did the first project being responsible of all documents(i.e project proposal,liquidation and activity report)--of course with the help of my colleagues, specially our president. it had been a roller coaster ride, that i have never imagined before that could and did happened.then i was now again challenged with another project, it is a fund raiser for our intramural. But it did not end there, because even after intramural we still got orders from people from our college and even from the other colleges for its good style as well as the message that is imprinted in the shirt, which became our theme "BLUE BLOOD GREEN HEART" (blue blood,because we are an ateneo school.green heart because we are agriculturist we cultivate land). I was still afraid handling legal documents, especially the receipts, because it is highly needed in the liquidation process.It undergoes legal processes from the bureau internal revenue and commission on audit, because we gather a big amount of money. and without the original copy of the receipts the liquidation paper would be questionable.I was even warned to be very extra careful in handling the receipts, because i did once lost an original receipt from the last project that we handled and it was quite a bad experience. Now after this project i guess i would not yet accept heading in a project , because i think it is whats best for me and for the council and the for future projects that the council would undergo.I guess i have been too fast,but now i would do the right thing--it tells me to slow down cause it is a bumpy road ahead.


I guess going too fast nor going so slow wont make anything work.and that is what i personally experienced and indeed it was not so good. It was fun being with new people but if our own self is not yet ready to undergo change then it is still hard to go on into something new.i did accept the things that came when i entered the council, but i was damn tired thinking where in hell did the receipts go. especially now we spent P30000 for the shirt and for a middle class person like me? its quite big---oh no, its a very big amount. So if we go on to something we must be so sure that we accept and stand for our decisions because certain things are meant to be taken seriously at the right time.I never regret i have entered the council, but i should have entered in the time i know i could stand every challenges. I could, but i guess soon enough.I could stand bearing the heraldic figure of our college as one of the best college in the Philippines and in the world soon,enough.

semestral break

Okay----im not used with this thing---its quite formal. well anyway, so i gone through a lot of a roller-coaster-ride this semester, as a first year college i was so overwhelmed. And god where did i ever get the idea of entering the agriculture student council,yes! it was hella fun with them but it was tiresome and for a nobody like me? it was just like a million arrows struck me, i was caught off guard,in a good way. second i am walking through fire with my subjects and it gets me upset,sometimes---okay most of the time.third i have this ex-best friend sickness,it was long ago when we part ways, cause we know our friendship is not working. And lets just say that its quite personal. Fourth, house chores is such a pain in the ass, well i admit that i am not really into it thats why i am at times complaining. Ecstatic of my vication, though its not that long, but i am planning to stuff up my body cause i am--i think a bit skinny with my age--and the second day of my vication was such a relief, just watching dvd's i borrowed from my good friends, a cup of tea and finally type this blog up. and hopefully i'll enjoy this one. I know I must not expect too much, the least that i can do is, live life day by day and i guess the rest will follow. right, so i guess thats all for now.